Shoe fetish. Or Hoarding. Whatever.

People think when you grow up with sisters your closet doubles because you can share clothes, shoes, and purses.

In high school, I loaned my older sister a pair of shoes that she lost out of a car window.

She got put on sister probation after that.

Today, I had THIS conversation with my little sister.

The little sister I have loved and adored for 30 years.
The same little sister I would give the shirt off my back for.
Who I would borrow, beg and steal for...

YES, that little sister.

Me: Where did you get those shoes you wore to P and L's wedding?

Little Sister: Off broadway

Me: Can I borrow them for a wedding in September?

Little Sister: What's the date?

Me: 29

Little Sister: I have a wedding that weekend and can't commit to lending shoes I might wear. =) You don't have dressy black shoes?

Me: Are you trying to shame me and my shoe ownership?

Little Sister: I just thought you would have dressy black shoes by now...you need to go shopping.

WTF is she trying to say here..."by now!" Like I'm so old I should have accumulated my fair share of shoes...We didn't NEED shoes when dinasours walked the earth. A club and a caveman were the only accessory you needed.

Me: I was trying to, at Little Sister's closet.

Little Sister: Um, sorry non-committal at this time when it comes to shoes.

OMFG!

This is coming from the girl who has over 500 pairs of shoes in her closet.

Badgley Mischka doesn't have as many shoes as she does.

I could lose ten pairs of her shoes out a car window and she wouln't miss them.

She is totally on sister probation right now.

Cutting the Cheese

My older sister is the only woman I know who was successfully able to make the roommate switch.

You know, switch mid-relationship from dating one guy to dating his roommate.

I didn't much care for the roommate she started dating, although he was post ass-hat which was definitely a step up. The guy she switched to was a MUCH better guy all around.

She ended up marrying that guy.

He is the closest thing to a brother I've ever known.

We are teammates in yuker tournaments, he set me up on dates with his friends, we make fun of my sister when she's not around, he's opened his home, his wallet and his heart to my family.

And up until two months ago I thought I knew him.

But clearly.I.Don't.Know.Him.At.ALL.

It took me 12 years to find out he does not like cottage cheese.

I'm certain he was hiding it and only just let it slip that he abhors the creamy goodness of curdled milk.

On top of that, he's brainwashed my older sister into not liking it either. And we all know, it's a short jump from cottage cheese to cocaine. She's on a one-way train to mainlining. Negativity like that spreads...like cholera and herpes.

(I just looked up mainlining and you don't mainline cocaine, you mainline heroin. You get the point. You're welcome for the chemistry lesson)

I suppose I should take the high road and simply worry for my brother-in-law's health. I mean how much protein is he getting?

On the other hand, he IS the father of my two amazing nephews.

AND he arranged a vacation at this place:

So you're probably thinking, Ashley, it doesn't matter if the guy eats puppies and dehydrated placenta for breakfast.

But it does.

It so does.