It's exactly like the Hunger Games

I entered a lottery.

Not a lottery where you have to kill everyone else in order to survive.

This isn't Real Housewives.

It happened like this:

In mid-December decide you need a little inspiration.
(Needing a break from all the holiday obligations will help with this.)

Get good and tired of dreaming about that one thing you've always wanted to do and finally do it.

You know, like moving to Rwanda to be accepted by gorillas in their natural habitat.

Which is probably way easier than being accepted in junior high.

OR, you could be like Roz Savage and row a boat across the Atlantic Ocean, leaving behind a marriage, job, home, and little red sports car after being inspired by writing two versions of your obituary: one where you live a conventional life, and another where you live the life you've always wanted to have.
(This paragraph has 253 characters, not counting spaces. Go with it.)

I hate to be the one to break it to you, but Charles Goodwin already discovered vulcanization and led the way to the effective use of rubber. I'm sure there are other things you can discover.

Read the qualifying standards and lottery rules for the Ironman World Championship in Kona, Hawaii.

Realize if you enter and are selected you will have even less time than you do now to meet family obligations.

Download the entry questionnaire for the lottery.

Realize that 250 characters or less is not that many words. See?

As you fill out the questionnaire, realize you've referenced your older sister a lot.

Be reminded of how thankful you are not to be in the same age group as your older sister in case they decide to pick both of you.

Remember to use that as your "I am thankful for" in two years when you are back at your mother's house for Thanksgiving.

Realize in two years when you are back at your mother's house for Thanksgiving, you'll be in the same age group as your older sister.

Silently curse your mother for making you write what you are thankful for.

Really put that you "brush your teeth in the shower because it's efficient" as the interesting fact about yourself.

Submit your lottery application.

Look at your calendar in case you have a conflict with the race dates.

Realize you have a work conflict with the race dates.

Pray.

The Ironman World Championship is considered the Super Bowl for triathletes. The race field is limited to 1,800 athletes. Only 100 are selected through the lottery. Another 100 are selected through a Legacy program. Beginning in 2012, athletes were given an increased chance of being selected based on the number of years they have entered. For each year an athlete registers, their chances increase accordingly. By 2022, I might get in...

Faith is taking the first step even when you don't see the whole staircase. - Martin Luther King

Follow your dream, whatever that may be.

I was robbed

It happened in the Bed Bath and Beyond store.

They got over $200.

I was relatively calm. Which is more than I can say for the elderly lady and the mom of three fighting over the last 75% off ceramic Santa.

You know, because they'll never find another one of those...

OKAY, if you have to get all technical about it, I didn't leave empty handed. I may have left the store with new sheets and pillows.

In my post traumatic stress induced state, I knocked over an entire display of bic lighters, chewing gum, nutella and neosporin on the go sticks.

And aren't we all glad I didn't pick the aisle with the marshmellow snowmen and glass candles on display.

I haven't slept for more than four hours straight in two years. I wake up every morning with a neck ache or a headache and a glowing attitude about it.

One night on the Isotonic Indulgence* and I feel like a new person. So what if it cost me a car payment? There are two things you should spend your money on people:

1. Bedding
2. Your wife

The sheets. Oh the sweet Eucalyptus Origins* sheets. They are produced from the wood pulp of Eucalyptus trees and I have NO idea what that means. They thought they could dazzle me with all this environmental talk like "renewable resource" when little do they know, all I care about it is soft. And they are that. Softer than a baby's bottom.

I know. I tested it out on LB.

When I had that little bottom in my hand I thought about how it won't be long before my cupping his bottom in my hand gets awkward for both of us.

Not unlike this conversation with my mother, which subsequently explains why I had to get new sheets.

Me: You aren't going to believe what I did.

Mom: What's that?

Me: Apparently, I am getting out of the bed so much, I've worn the sheets so thin that my foot ripped a hole straight through the sheet last night on my third time out of bed. I didn't have the heart to wake Kevin, so I slept with my foot halfway through the hole and on the mattress pad.

Mom: Is that really how you ripped a hole in your sheets, Ashley?

Pause.

Really? Is my mother asking me if wild jungle sex caused the rip in our sheets?

Me: You got me. Kevin's like a wild boar in the bedroom. I really think he prefers for people call him Tarzan. (No he wouldn't) (Yes he would)

*I have in no way been compensated by Isotonic or Eucalyptus Origins for my comments here. However, if they WOULD like to compensate me, I take cash, credit, paypal deposits and gift cards. Heck, I might even take a thank you.

With a cupcake.

Thank yous are always better with cupcakes.

We're moving to Utah!

Just as soon as I win this:

The HGTV Dream Home

Kevin is super excited. He thinks by moving to Utah he can marry more women.

I told him if he wants to take on more than one mother-in-law so be it. But these women need to come in to this marriage knowing they get to do all the shit I don't want to.



the Challenge

I worked three jobs in college. One of which was waiting tables.

Probably the most physically demanding job I've ever had. Unless you count the time I organized a "rock a-thon" fundraiser for my sorority on the campus square. Which technically I didn't get paid for and ultimately was asked to leave because I failed to get permission for my entire pledge class to bring a rocking chair to the school's most popular corner and "rock" for twelve hours straight.

It took a whole hour before campus officials kicked us out.

We didn't raise a single dime.

BUT, it was for a good cause and I may have become a legend. Or a teaching tool for what not to do.

I like legend better.

Kevin often remarks about the fact that he has never waited tables. And, as many times as I tell him he should do it....just once....for the experience....he resists.

And then... we heard about this.

Kevin and I saw an advertisement for it and verbally sparred over which one of us would beat the other to the top.

Naturally I would.

Just ask the Internet.

Which is what I'm doing...

I presented Kevin with a challenge. If I make it to the top before he does, then HE has to wait tables for a night at a local restaurant.

He hasn't thought of anything for me should he make it to the top first.

Probably because he knows he won't.

But I'd be willing to kick a soccer ball around for an indoor game...I mean really, how hard can THAT be?

My little sister can do it and she can't even make to spin class regularly.

I say...if you read this blog, all two of you, and you know Kevin, that would be the same two of you...give him a little nudge for me willya?

What's a little healthy competition among family?

I hope 2012 is the same, but different...with fewer decisions.

Yesterday, in the car, amid a blustery snow storm, I happily reminded Kevin that he made it through the whole month of December without having to scrape the driveway.

And while my skill set extends beyond pointing out the obvious, I was very happy for Kevin and this small, albeit noteworthy, accomplishment.

You might think he joined me in this celebration. Popped a bottle of champagne. Toasted mother nature. Oh no. Because according to Kevin, this just means winter will extend into April and he will still have to scrape the driveway for three full months.

Maybe four.

It was here I lamented the fact that a small box filled with puppies wasn't close by so he could drive over them.

I considered writing a 2011 wrap up post.

In some ways 2011 was like that conversation.

Excited in one breath and harsh in another.

It was the year for decision making. Lots of it. And then some. And then some more.

...the year my ability to shower or go to the bathroom alone officially ended.

...the year little sister finished 23 seconds ahead of me in a road race.

...the year I held my breath for a smile, roll, crawl, walk, hugs and kisses.

...the year I said this prayer, alot:

...the year I blew out my back on Christmas and didn't tell anyone. The upside: no one knows you threw out your back getting out of a giant inflatable toy meant for a two year old. The downside: no one knows you're in excruciating pain.

...the year I decided older sister needs this, because you can't put a price on awesome:

...the year I learned that anything over 4 hours of sleep is just plain gluttonous. 

...the year Kevin said and did the most amazing thing. Ever.

...the year little sister would cancel on spinning class more than she would show up for it, because she.is.a.CHUMP.

...the year I became intimately acquainted with the waiting room at the E.R.

...the year I learned that when your husband asks you if this guy is good looking, you say "no" or "hell no" or "nowhere near as good looking as you, sweetie" (Um, your welcome):

...the year the same person gave me a donut maker and a scale for Christmas.

...the year I learned the immense joy of motherhood and the debilitating fear that accompanies it.

It was also the year my little household of three (five if you count grouchy and dum dum) became a family.