I was robbed

It happened in the Bed Bath and Beyond store.

They got over $200.

I was relatively calm. Which is more than I can say for the elderly lady and the mom of three fighting over the last 75% off ceramic Santa.

You know, because they'll never find another one of those...

OKAY, if you have to get all technical about it, I didn't leave empty handed. I may have left the store with new sheets and pillows.

In my post traumatic stress induced state, I knocked over an entire display of bic lighters, chewing gum, nutella and neosporin on the go sticks.

And aren't we all glad I didn't pick the aisle with the marshmellow snowmen and glass candles on display.

I haven't slept for more than four hours straight in two years. I wake up every morning with a neck ache or a headache and a glowing attitude about it.

One night on the Isotonic Indulgence* and I feel like a new person. So what if it cost me a car payment? There are two things you should spend your money on people:

1. Bedding
2. Your wife

The sheets. Oh the sweet Eucalyptus Origins* sheets. They are produced from the wood pulp of Eucalyptus trees and I have NO idea what that means. They thought they could dazzle me with all this environmental talk like "renewable resource" when little do they know, all I care about it is soft. And they are that. Softer than a baby's bottom.

I know. I tested it out on LB.

When I had that little bottom in my hand I thought about how it won't be long before my cupping his bottom in my hand gets awkward for both of us.

Not unlike this conversation with my mother, which subsequently explains why I had to get new sheets.

Me: You aren't going to believe what I did.

Mom: What's that?

Me: Apparently, I am getting out of the bed so much, I've worn the sheets so thin that my foot ripped a hole straight through the sheet last night on my third time out of bed. I didn't have the heart to wake Kevin, so I slept with my foot halfway through the hole and on the mattress pad.

Mom: Is that really how you ripped a hole in your sheets, Ashley?

Pause.

Really? Is my mother asking me if wild jungle sex caused the rip in our sheets?

Me: You got me. Kevin's like a wild boar in the bedroom. I really think he prefers for people call him Tarzan. (No he wouldn't) (Yes he would)

*I have in no way been compensated by Isotonic or Eucalyptus Origins for my comments here. However, if they WOULD like to compensate me, I take cash, credit, paypal deposits and gift cards. Heck, I might even take a thank you.

With a cupcake.

Thank yous are always better with cupcakes.